A Strange New Life

      It is like a new world here. In some ways, it is exactly the same as my old life, and in others, completely different. Here, when I wake up in the morning, everyone else is still asleep, or just waking up. To get dressed or go to the bathroom, I have to be really quiet because the floors creak and I don't want to bother anyone. I keep being told, this is your house too, you should be comfortable with getting whatever food you want, or do what you want. But the problem is, they already had a life here before I came, a life that I know barely anything about. What if I do eat something, but it turns out it was the last of some special present for another? They all knew that, but I didn't. I would feel extremely guilty, and afraid. I know it is silly. Probably something like that will never happen, yet I still am afraid that it might.
      It is like that feeling that you get when you go to your first sleepover at a friend's house. You know nothing about their life, and are learning new things each second. They do things that you would never dream of doing, like eating in your room, or never watch tv. It's a new world, and though it is exciting and you enjoy being with your friend, it is also very unsettling. When you wake up in the morning, you are almost relieved to go home to that familiar atmosphere in which you know exactly what is expected of you, and what is allowed.
      That is what it is like for me, except, I never get to go home. Instead, I spend everyday learning new things about this life, and tiptoeing around things I am not sure of. It is so strange to hear a conversation, that is really not towards you, and only understand a few words of it. It is like standing in a large, echoing room with tons of people, all speaking at the same time. You can only catch a few words here and there, maybe sometimes get a gist of a conversation, but most is a blur.
     Right now, I can write this without having to really try to form the words. What I want to say runs smoothly on the page. But when I have to speak in german, every moment I have to search my brain for the right word. Every moment of the day that I am with someone, I have to be completely concentrated on what is happening in that moment, or else I will miss something. If I even tune out for a moment, I might find myself with someone looking at me expectantly, and me staring blankly back. This happens often, even when I am paying attention. Because of all these awkward moments, I have set a goal for myself. One that maybe would seem obvious, but is very important to me. By the end of these two months, I want to go out into the streets of Vienna, or onto a subway, and be able to tune into any conversation I want, and understand the gist of what they are talking about. I don't want to have to work so hard to understand and speak this language, because being able to express myself clearly and easily is one of the things I am homesick for most at this moment.